There’s been some confusion about the impending Rapture. Here’s how it’s going down, kids.
May 21, 6:00 p.m. on the International Date Line – Rapture occurs. (That’s 2:00 a.m. my time, so…it’s been nice knowing you dirty heretics.)
Once everyone who’s worthy is sucked up to the sky, the massive earthquake starts and rolls its way westward, defying everything we know about plate tectonics but neatly conforming to arbitrary time zones (and also observing daylight savings, where applicable!).
And then, despite what Left Behind told you, you sorry suckers only have to battle the Antichrist for 5 months before the rest gets sorted out. Luckily Harold Camping has amassed millions of dollars as a result of his gracious ministry, so I’m sure you Tribulation Force Fighters will be well-funded and well-armed.
I’m almost certain that my reverence, orthodoxy, and generally saint-like demeanor have earned me a comfortable one-way ticket upstairs, so you kids have fun. If there’s some sort of mistake and I’m still around in the morning…please join me in commandeering a yacht and making haste to New Zealand before the CERN black hole can catch us.