The Benefits of Burning Heretics at the Stake

Honestly, there’s no downside to burning heretics. Once well done, a heretic can no longer:

-Say Jim Morrison was second rate
-Try to date your daughter
-Parallel park so you can’t get your car out
-Sell secrets to Julian Assange
Rob you in broad daylight
Have an insidious interfaith marriage
Try with guile and total lack of personal integrity to undermine the teachings of the Lord’s anointed
Shirk
-Be a wishy-washy pseudo-believer
Talk shit about Battlestar Galactica
Be such a godsdamn hypocrite all the time

I’m not saying that burning at the stake saves the heretic’s soul (although it certainly stops him from continuing to act the fool). I’m saying that mainly, the rest of us don’t have to deal with him anymore. That’s the real treat.

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About Kullervo

Thirtysomething Christian, husband, father and lawyer; interested in the Bible, country music, southern lit, guitars, gardening, beer, running, nature, rock and roll, wargaming, southern food, Calvinism, the Crusades, the Protestant Reformation and the Civil War.
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13 Responses to The Benefits of Burning Heretics at the Stake

  1. DianaH says:

    I dunno how it took me so long to find this blog, but I did and I’m so glad to add myself to the pyre of heretics.

  2. Kullervo says:

    We’ll have to have a full evaluation of your degree of heresy. We’re a choosy bunch. And talking shit about BSG will disqualify you.

  3. Katie L says:

    I just liked this post, because everything about it delights me.

  4. Jared C says:

    Wait, doesn’t talking shit about BSG make you a heretic of sorts? Or is that just too much of a heretic. I smell a new oppressive orthodoxy brewing. . . get the torch!

    Welcome Diana.

  5. Kullervo says:

    Consistency is not our watchword.

  6. Whitney says:

    I was about to call you a shithead for your blasphemous linking job up there, but I’m laughing too hard.

    I’m craving BBQ.

  7. I think that even the slightest bit of down-talking BSG moves you from a mere heretic to a full on apostate Son of Perdition (or whatever the non-LDS equivalent is). Such individuals don’t even deserve burning at the stake.

  8. Kullervo says:

    I think that even the slightest bit of down-talking BSG moves you from a mere heretic to a full on apostate Son of Perdition (or whatever the non-LDS equivalent is).

    Chained in Tartarus.

  9. Jared C says:

    “Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.”

  10. Kullervo says:

    A nonconformist chained in Tartarus.

  11. Jared C says:

    As long as I am not chained in Tartarus re-watching BSG episode 6 of season 1 for eternity.

  12. Jared C says:

    “Whoever shall maintain that wrong is done to heretics and blasphemers in punishing them makes himself an accomplice in their crime and guilty as they are.”
    John Calvin

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