Revise Your Colonial Passports, Survivors!

Holy frakking shit. Remember how I was a privileged Caprican? Well, it turns out I never was. Thanks to the precession of the equinoxes, the Sun was in Saggitaron when I was born. That’s right, Katyjane, cancel my doctor’s appointments, because it turns out I’m a filthy Saj.

Here’s the new list, so you can adjust your colonial identity accordingly:

Caprica: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquaria: Feb. 16-March 11
Picon: March 11-April 18
Aerilon: April 18-May 13
Tauron: May 13-June 21
Gemenon: June 21-July 20
Canceron: July 20-Aug. 10
Leonis: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgon: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libran: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpia: Nov. 23-29
The Legendary Thirteenth Colony: Nov. 29-Dec. 17, plus get ready to be airlocked, you frakking toaster
Sagittaron: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

Oh, and I guess this has some application to astrology, too. Whatever.

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About Kullervo

Thirtysomething Christian, husband, father and lawyer; interested in the Bible, country music, southern lit, guitars, gardening, beer, running, nature, rock and roll, wargaming, southern food, Calvinism, the Crusades, the Protestant Reformation and the Civil War.
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78 Responses to Revise Your Colonial Passports, Survivors!

  1. Whitney says:

    You know, I actually read about this “change” back when I was in my 8th grade New Age phase. And I was severely distressed, because LIKE HELL AM I A GEMINI.

    Seriously, anyone who knows me can pretty much peg me as a Cancer.

    But, um, whatever, horoscopes are totally whack, yo. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been deeply, deeply disappointed that my supposedly awesome upcoming love days turn out to be totally boring and lonely.

  2. Kullervo says:

    I wouldn’t want to be Gemenese if I was an 8th-grader either. Under Gemenon law, minor children are the legal property of their parents. And the Gemenese believe in the literal truth of the scriptures. They’re a whole colony of right-wing fundamentalists.

  3. BrianJ says:

    “But, um, whatever, horoscopes are totally whack, yo. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been deeply, deeply disappointed that my supposedly awesome upcoming love days turn out to be totally boring and lonely.”

    Well duh! you’ve been reading the wrong one all this time!

  4. BrianJ says:

    Also, I guess now I’m a Tauron and no longer Gemenese.

    “Tauron is a harsh, frigid world and its people reflect this.”

    Got that right!

    “They’re born of brawny stock and tend to be tall and muscular, thick in body and mind.”

    “Thick” means “sexy,” right?

    “They’re often called stubborn and sometimes insubordinate. They can argue just to argue and rarely give up, even when they’re wrong.”

    Pfft! Whatever.

  5. Kullervo says:

    Plus, as we have seen, they are basically all mobsters. And Admirals.

  6. Whitney says:

    Also, I’ve never seen BSG. I feel like I’m missing something crucial here.

  7. Whitney says:

    I can hear everyone’s reactions from here. Cone of shame.

  8. Kullervo says:

    Also, I’ve never seen BSG.

    Fail.

  9. Kullervo says:

    Having not seen BSG, you’re like the equivalent of that lady who commented about case law on Tim’s FB status.

  10. Whitney says:

    FALSE. So false.

    I’m hurt. And I shall hijack your profile in the Usual Suspects tab.

  11. BrianJ says:

    Whitney: I haven’t seen “Battlestar Galla-ti-yawn umm hrrmm zzzzz” either. I’m totally fine with other people liking it, so I don’t think it’s intrinsically boring, and maybe if I weren’t so busy tearing heads of zombies and building time machines and painting sunsets with the sun as my brush then I would watch the series. Maybe.

    Kullervo: Whitney took the time to find out what she was talking about; thus, Whitney is no “that lady”.

  12. Katie L. says:

    Your banter intimidates me with its keen sharp-wittedness.

    Having said that, there is no excuse for not having watched BSG. None.

  13. Kullervo says:

    Whitney: I haven’t seen “Battlestar Galla-ti-yawn umm hrrmm zzzzz” either. I’m totally fine with other people liking it, so I don’t think it’s intrinsically boring, and maybe if I weren’t so busy tearing heads of zombies and building time machines and painting sunsets with the sun as my brush then I would watch the series. Maybe.

    See, you think you’re being all clever and wry, because you are just assuming that “tearing heads of zombies and building time machines and painting sunsets with the sun as my brush” would be obviously so much cooler than watching Battlestar Galactica. But the problem is, you’re dead fucking wrong. That’s the kind of stuff people say who have never watched BSG and thus have no fucking idea what they are talking about.

    I hereby revoke my designation of Whitney as the moral equivalent of that lady, and I re-assign it to you.

    You fail. At life.

  14. BrianJ says:

    Katie: I wholly agree with your first sentence, but I just eviscerated a Balrog with a chainsaw I made out of shark teeth and splattered the demon’s blood all over my computer screen so I wasn’t able to read your second sentence. Sorry.

  15. Kullervo says:

    Katie: I wholly agree with your first sentence, but I just eviscerated a Balrog with a chainsaw I made out of shark teeth and splattered the demon’s blood all over my computer screen so I wasn’t able to read your second sentence. Sorry.

    You’re not getting it. Even if that was true, it would still not be cooler than Battlestar Galactica.

  16. Kullervo says:

    Although, I do have to hand it to you. That would be pretty fucking cool.

  17. BrianJ says:

    Kullervo: “That’s the kind of stuff people say who have never watched BSG and thus have no fucking idea what they are talking about.”

    And that’s the kind of stuff that pimple-faced pansies who run and hide under their beds and wet themselves (for fun) say.

  18. BrianJ says:

    (and the two of us commenting at the same time is getting the flow of the conversation all wrong. I blame Whitney. Sorry.)

  19. Kullervo says:

    And that’s the kind of stuff that pimple-faced pansies who run and hide under their beds and wet themselves (for fun) say

    The best part is when, years from now, you finally watch BSG and you’re like, “shit.”

  20. Katie L. says:

    It really is good, Brian. Really really good.

  21. Kullervo says:

    For serious.

    BrianJ, I’m telling you this as an e-friend: you’re really going to feel dumb about this exchange down the road.

  22. Jared C says:

    At the suggestion of my girlfriend, strangely enough, I started watching the BSG series on Thursday. We just watched the pilot but I have been impressed thus far. I was a fan of the original series back in 78. We actually had the action figures, I think my 0lder brother had Adama, I had Starbuck and my little brother had that funny robot dog. I remember having small die-cast viper and cylon raiders and coveting the cylon helmet my friend had, his dad bought like the whole set of action figures. TV has come a long way.

  23. BrianJ says:

    Kullervo: I might just give it a try. Tell me, how many episodes would you say one needs to watch before the hook is firmly set—or, if it isn’t set, then it never will be?

  24. Kullervo says:

    Watch the pilot miniseries, which is excellent, but not necessarily on par with the rest of the series. Then watch the first episode of the regular first season, “33.”

    The hook will be permanently affixed.

  25. Whitney says:

    Okay, somehow I missed the majority of this conversation. But I can honestly say, now that I’m about halfway through the pilot/miniseries, that I am indeed sitting here being like, “shiiiiiiit.”

    This was also my thought upon arriving about 6 years late to the Pearl Jam party.

    Luckily I make up for my developmental dawdling through complete and utter devotion. But I can’t collect BSG like I do PJ bootlegs, and I can’t read Doc Jensen treatises like I did with Lost, so now what?

    (But hey, thanks for the warning that said pilot was THREE HOURS LONG. Now I can’t go to bed until after midnight, jerks.)

  26. Kullervo says:

    And the pilot/miniseries is, compared to the actual series, not even really that good.

  27. BrianJ says:

    “And the pilot/miniseries is, compared to the actual series, not even really that good.”

    That’s good news, because I finished the miniseries last night and…well…yeah.

  28. Kullervo says:

    Don’t get me wrong: the pilot miniseries is awesome. The show is just that much better.

  29. Katie L. says:

    Brian, I must confess: I am very nervous about the state of your immortal soul right about now. I’m not sure that anyone can get into the CK if they don’t sustain BSG as the One True Television Program. I pray that you are not down the road to apostasy.

    😉

  30. Kullervo says:

    Its okay. He has been punished in this life so that he will not have to be punished in the next.

  31. BrianJ says:

    See Kullervo, you’re rating the miniseries as a 10/10 stars, and then the series as way better—so 15/10 or even 20/10?

    I’m saying the miniseries was…maybe 4/10 stars (meaning I only slightly regret having watched it). So that still leaves hope that I’ll rate the series as 7/10 or even 10/10.

    Katie: don’t worry about my soul; I sold it to Jimmy Page, so it’s perfectly safe.

  32. Katie L says:

    Well that’s a relief.

  33. Jared C says:

    I am currently on episode 3, season 1. I actually liked the miniseries a better that these first episodes, more space fighting. I can see the appeal but I am not head-over-heals. As far as a dramatic series, I liked Rome (HBO) better.

  34. Kullervo says:

    Thin ground, Jared C. Although if its jsut space fighting you’re after, there are plenty of episodes that have the miniseries over their knee and spanked. The first episode of season 3 is fucking insane. Watch it on Blu-Ray on a huge TV if you can.

  35. Jared C says:

    I am still receiving evidence on the matter. I am just saying the preliminary indication is that Rome may be more compelling.

  36. Kullervo says:

    Don’t make me demote you.

  37. BrianJ says:

    “Thin ground, Jared C.”

    But good company 🙂

  38. Jared C says:

    Hey, as far as I am concerned its up to BSG to wow me.

  39. Jared C says:

    Episode 4 was a bit better. I just wish I could get “Kicking Bird” out of my mind everytime I see the president.

  40. Jared C says:

    Wait, I mean “Stands with a fist”

  41. Kullervo says:

    Yeah, Kicking Bird was a dude.

  42. Kullervo says:

    Whitney asked me to relate the fact that President Laura Roslyn was also killed by aliens in the classic film, Independence Day. Although in that film she was the president’s wife, as opposed to (1) the president’s mistress, and (2) the president. Or (3) a white woman raised by Sioux indians. Or (4) a brilliant heart surgeon with Aspberger’s.

  43. BrianJ says:

    Apparently I’ve been removed as one of the authors on this blog. Perhaps because of my negative comments regarding BSG?

    I’m most of the way through Season 1. The acting is quite good.

    Oh well.

  44. Jared C says:

    Yikes, might be too little to late to the gods of this blog 😦

  45. Kullervo says:

    I told you you had been punished in this life. I’m just looking out for your immortal soul, BrianJ.

  46. BrianJ says:

    Oh, I thought my punishment was having to watch 8 hours of BSG.

  47. Kullervo says:

    Yeah, that’s gonna get your admin status back.

  48. Katie L says:

    Question: did Brian really lose his admin status?

  49. Whitney says:

    We were promised anarchy with this blog. And it is letting loose.

    It totally made me sad to see Brian’s name missing from the Usual Suspects, though. Almost as sad as seeing Sharon lose her internal struggle to not be an evil Cylon. Oh SNAP.

  50. Jared C says:

    Wait Space Minister, I thought Brian was absolved for his sins!

  51. BrianJ says:

    Jared: don’t look for any kind of logic or consistency in this; BSG certainly never employed any.

  52. Kullervo says:

    Guess someone doesn’t want to be reinstated.

  53. Jared C says:

    I am on episode 6 and I can deal with most of the drama except the Helo on Caprica storyline. What I don’t get is how the Cylons killed every living thing in Caprica city but decided to leave a single dude alive just to study him. Where are all the bodies, the gore, the enormity of death and destruction? Where are the hundreds of thousands of cylons that would have been needed to systematically round up and destroy the humans. Plus, it seems that if they could blend into human society they would have had to know all of that stuff prior.

  54. Kullervo says:

    1) Did you see how sick Helo got, and how fast? The radiation levels on most of Caprica are lethally high. That did a lot of the job for the Cylons. But the rest of the job was (and continues to be) done by “hundreds of thousands” of Cylon centurions.
    2) Those Cylon centurions also clean up their mess when they are done, for a reason.
    3) Most of those Cylon centurions are not there anymore. They didn’t need living quarters, chow lines, or port-a-johns while they worked, and they didn’t need to hang around after the job was done. They’re robots.
    4) Despite the above, everyone on Caprica is definitely not dead.
    5) The Cylons are not merely studying Helo. They have a Plan. It is not necessarily a good Plan. In fact, it is enormously short-sighted and ill-considered. But it is a Plan.

  55. Pingback: The Benefits of Burning Heretics at the Stake | Burning At The Stake

  56. Jared C says:

    Its good enough to go to the next episode, and I guess I can keep an open mind about the Caprica sub-plot, but i think it still hasn’t lived up to the hype generated by the Magisterium Gallacticum.

  57. Whitney says:

    I will admit to having doubts about the Caprica subplot as well, but it gets significantly better and more relevant to the “real” action. I’m telling you, Season 1 is good, Season 2 has blown me away. And I’m only halfway through.

  58. Kullervo says:

    Hey Jared C, check out the “Usual Suspects” page.

  59. BrianJ says:

    “Lord! Open the King of England’s eyes.”

  60. Jared C says:

    Another heretic to throw on the fire:

    The original Starbuck.

    (Fear of Inquisition Disclaimer: The views of the original Starbuck do not necessarily reflect the position of this commenter.

  61. Jared C says:

    Whitney, due the persecution, its hard to say if your newfound devotion is heartfelt or fear based. 😉

  62. BrianJ says:

    Jared: “Fear of Inquisition Disclaimer” Get a spine, man!!

    The article had plenty of lame parts, but also some good stuff:

    The male characters, from Adama on down, are confused, weak, and wracked with indecision….

    ‘Starbuck is dead. Long live Stardoe!’

    And if you don’t enjoy the show, or the hamburger and coke, it’s not
    the fault of those re-imaginative technocrats that brought them to you. It is your fault. You and your individual instincts, tastes, judgement.

  63. Whitney says:

    Please, I used to be the designated representative from my office to a weekly meeting of arch-conservative congressional staffers and lobbyists. That includes showing up in my power suit and 4 inch heels seven days after their bosses tried to get mine booted from the Senate. Fear of being found a dissident does not exist in this dojo.

    Also, I really wish Twitter had been around back when Mr. Benedict was consumed with this rage. I think his rantings could have reached the heights of La Lohan’s.

  64. Whitney says:

    Also, due to recent circumstances involving ridiculous “men” and my girl crush on Starbuck, I have logged more miles running and push-ups in the past week than the entire previous year. This show is the shit.

  65. Jared C says:

    Starbuck is sexy, no question, but Apollo does not seem to be enough of a badass on some level.

  66. Jared C says:

    have a spine

    I am not backing down on my opinion, but I not fully reactionary like Mr. Starbuck.

  67. Kullervo says:

    Benedict’s screed was just limp. He made up his mind before he watched the new BSG, if he even ever did, and he used it as an excuse to turn off his brain and turn on reactionary rant-mode.

  68. Jared C says:

    I am sure would have thought differently if they would have offered him some part. 😉

  69. Kullervo says:

    I think they did!

  70. Jared C says:

    I think I get the message:

  71. Kullervo says:

    Posting Motörhead videos gets you your admin status back.

  72. Jared C says:

    Frakking A!!!!

    Still:

  73. Whitney says:

    Have any of you other nerds made it to the Season 3 finale yet? Because it’s redonk.

  74. Jared C says:

    i got stuck on episode 6, season 1. Maybe I’ll find the time soon.

  75. Kullervo says:

    i got stuck on episode 6, season 1. Maybe I’ll find the time soon.

    “Litmus?” I think that’s probably the worst ep of season 1.

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