Apocalypse Now

It’s true. The end times are upon us.

You may have heard that thousands of birds dropped dead from the Arkansan, Louisianan, Kentuckian, and Canadian skies, while 100,000 fish have turned up dead in an Arkansas river.

My good friends at Above Top Secret have established that this has to be the work of HAARP (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program). In a nutshell, the testing and chemical waste they’ve produced that led to this mass death are actually part of an effort to move the Caribbean Tectonic Plate, resulting in the Great Earthquake of Revelations 6:12.

Also of note, a lunar eclipse took place on December 22, resulting in a blood red moon on the darkest day of the year, and today we had a solar eclipse.  Oh, and the stars fell from the heavens last night, too.

I’d like to give a warm welcome to Trumpets 2, 3, 4, and 5 along with Seal Number Six!!!

In other disturbing news, CERN is getting ready to fire up that atomic particle accelerator again (the Large Hadron Collider), after it broke down in 2008 (no doubt due to the Vatican’s helpful intervention) and had one small-scale success in March 2010. They believe this machine will discover the “God Particle.” And this unbearable blasphemy will set the stage for a tiny black hole to take shape and begin growing until it finally consumes the Earth. Why hello, BOTTOMLESS ABYSS OF THE FIFTH TRUMPET!!!!

(I think the Sixth Trumpet kind of happens concurrently…so basically, Kim Jong Il is going to go all postal on us, with a nuclear apocalypse preceding the actual completion of the apocalypse.)

And finally, you may have heard that May 21 marks the day of the Rapture. So…I guess the post-tribulationists win. Sorry, Tim LaHaye!

This means the rest of you will be LEFT BEHIND for another couple weeks, until the fledgling black hole has time to grow and swallow the Earth Vulcan-style.

May I suggest hopping on a yacht to New Zealand (i.e., the exact opposite side of the planet from CERN), where you can have the maximum amount of time to toast your demise with delicious margaritas and beautiful Middle Earth vistas.

Consider yourself warned, people.

This entry was posted in Brilliant Theories, Eschatology, Token Crazy. Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to Apocalypse Now

  1. Whitney says:

    Katie L., I’d like to know how you excuse this kind of head-in-the-sand behavior.

    Kirk Cameron Disses Whitney’s Apocalypse Theory

    It’s just a disgrace.

  2. BrianJ says:

    I am so confused…

    (But still impressed!)

  3. Whitney says:

    Was the Vulcan video too abstract?

  4. Katie L says:

    Brilliant, Whitney.

    It pains me to say this, but I think Kirk might have lost his way here. I don’t know how you could deny incontrovertible evidence that the End Is Almost Here, such as what you have presented us today.

    Shall we send him a joint email? Try to get him to see the light?

    (Do people who are that wrong even get taken up to meet Jesus, or is his best bet that New Zealand yacht?)

  5. Kullervo says:

    Maybe its just a localized apocalypse? An Arkansocalypse?

  6. Kullervo says:

    Whitney has asked me to report the following conversation we just had on gchat, as she does not have acess to WordPress from work:

    Whitney: i have a response to your localized apocalypse nonsense this is clearly a global phenomenon
    me: hmm
    not sure “rivers turning to jello” is one of the signs
    Whitney: whatever
    i’m quite sure God has a sense of humor, even during the apocalypse
    me: WAIT!
    Rivers turning to blood…
    green blood…
    “Why, you green-blooded, inhuman…”
    Whitney, we are witnessing
    Whitney: omg
    me: The Mister Spockalypse
    Whitney: i want you to know…
    that i am applauding you
    new theory
    the rapture = global mind meld
    me: The needs of the many…
    Whitney: so the whole live long and prosper was just a bunch of bullshit to throw us off our game
    me: Lieutenant Stiles was right!

  7. Whitney says:

    Frankly, I’m dismayed that so few people have commented on this issue.

    Katie, normally I’m all for writing letters to let people know why they’re less smart than me, but I feel that if God has hardened Kirk’s heart on this issue, I must let things take their course. But maybe we can send him a brochure for NZ.

    Also, please be advised that there have been more mass animal die-offs all around the eastern half of the continent. Just in case you were totally doubting the Tectonic Plate portion of my theory.

  8. Kullervo says:

    Frankly, I’m dismayed that so few people have commented on this issue.

    WTF Whitney. I discovered the Mister Spockalypse. That has to be worth–in quality–approximately 1,244 comments.

  9. Pingback: Are Birds the New Bees? (ooh la la!) | Burning At The Stake

  10. Whitney says:

    I will grant you that. This post is now officially the greatest post ever.

    But my ego still demands quantity, Kullervo. 9 comments = being picked last for dodgeball.

  11. Katie L says:

    I think most of us are just too astonished by your brilliance and by the magnitude of your discoveries to know just what to say.

  12. Kullervo says:

    Not me. I said 1,244 comments worth of pure awesome, and I stand by that. By my reckoning, that puts us 12 comments ahead of Polygamy Jesus.

  13. Jared C says:

    I am with Whitney. Finland has had the most snow on record this winter, which is a hell of a lot, and 3 of my kids just came down with the chicken pox. What else are you looking for? The Apocalypse is upon us! (at the very least I know the Chicken Poxalypse is upon me and mine.)

  14. Kullervo says:

    I think it’s just the “Chicken Pockalypse.”

  15. Whitney says:

    Chicken pox = mass plague. Truth.

    And, um, the North Pole is like, sprinting toward Russia. Just saying.

    So can we make “Spockapoxalypse” happen?

  16. Kullervo says:

    So can we make “Spockapoxalypse” happen?

    You’re really trying to immanentize the eschaton, aren’t you?

  17. Jared C says:

    Hey! watch your language . . . this is a family blog.

  18. Whitney says:

    Yeah, stop sneezing on my post, Kullervo.

    (I was thinking we should make it happen in the sense that “fetch” was never going to happen, but I’m pretty sure the immanentization has already happened. RIVERS ARE TURNING INTO JELLO!)

  19. Kullervo says:

    Hey! watch your language . . . this is a family blog.

    No, it really is not.

  20. Whitney says:

    And a PS to all of you….thank you for advancing this post to 1,254 responses. It’s truly humbling.

  21. Pingback: Assorted updates « The House of Vines

  22. Kullervo says:

    We do our best.

  23. Whitney says:

    I just wanted to let you all know that I’m meeting Katie L. for the first time tomorrow, and you’re not.

  24. katyjane says:

    1. I am overwhelmed by the immensity of this post. Whitney, as always, your brilliance is more than what I can conceive of.
    2. I am jealous that you get to see Katie… but I saw her first!! Also, I saw you first!! And, while I didn’t see Jack first, I’ve also seen Jack! I win! I win! Oh wait… I’m perhaps tied with Katie. But take pictures and photoshop me into them!

  25. Kullervo says:

    Yeah, that’s because we already met Katie L. For the first time like eight months ago.

  26. Katie L says:

    It was so great!

    And Katy, you might’ve won the battle…but the war is still on…

    …or something like that…

  27. Kullervo says:

    And Katy, you might’ve won the battle…but the war is still on…

    …or something like that…

    The real prize is meeting Jared C. ROAD TRIP TO FINLAND!

  28. Pingback: It Is Time | Burning At The Stake

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