It’s true. The end times are upon us.
My good friends at Above Top Secret have established that this has to be the work of HAARP (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program). In a nutshell, the testing and chemical waste they’ve produced that led to this mass death are actually part of an effort to move the Caribbean Tectonic Plate, resulting in the Great Earthquake of Revelations 6:12.
Also of note, a lunar eclipse took place on December 22, resulting in a blood red moon on the darkest day of the year, and today we had a solar eclipse. Oh, and the stars fell from the heavens last night, too.
In other disturbing news, CERN is getting ready to fire up that atomic particle accelerator again (the Large Hadron Collider), after it broke down in 2008 (no doubt due to the Vatican’s helpful intervention) and had one small-scale success in March 2010. They believe this machine will discover the “God Particle.” And this unbearable blasphemy will set the stage for a tiny black hole to take shape and begin growing until it finally consumes the Earth. Why hello, BOTTOMLESS ABYSS OF THE FIFTH TRUMPET!!!!
(I think the Sixth Trumpet kind of happens concurrently…so basically, Kim Jong Il is going to go all postal on us, with a nuclear apocalypse preceding the actual completion of the apocalypse.)
This means the rest of you will be LEFT BEHIND for another couple weeks, until the fledgling black hole has time to grow and swallow the Earth Vulcan-style.
May I suggest hopping on a yacht to New Zealand (i.e., the exact opposite side of the planet from CERN), where you can have the maximum amount of time to toast your demise with delicious margaritas and beautiful Middle Earth vistas.
Consider yourself warned, people.